Radiant Redemption

Conflict is an inevitable part of life. Whether it’s a disagreement with a partner, a misunderstanding with a friend, or a difference in opinion at work, we all experience conflict. Yet, how we respond to it can vary drastically, often influenced by past trauma and learned behaviors. For many of us, our responses to conflict can wreak havoc on our relationships, making it difficult to maintain healthy, meaningful connections.

The Four F’s: Flight, Fight, Freeze, or Fawn

When faced with conflict, our instinctual reactions can fall into one of four categories: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. These responses are rooted in our survival instincts and are often linked to past trauma. Let’s take a closer look at each:

1. Flight: This response involves avoiding the conflict altogether. It might look like physically leaving the room, withdrawing emotionally, or changing the subject. While avoiding conflict can feel safer in the short term, it often leaves issues unresolved and can create distance in relationships.
2. Fight: When we respond with fight, we confront the conflict head-on, sometimes aggressively. This might include raising our voices, becoming defensive, or pushing our point of view forcefully. While it might feel empowering to stand our ground, this approach can lead to hurt feelings and escalate the conflict further.
3. Freeze: The freeze response is characterized by shutting down or becoming paralyzed in the face of conflict. It might feel like your mind goes blank, you’re unable to speak, or you’re simply overwhelmed. This response can leave you feeling helpless and can prevent you from advocating for yourself.
4. Fawn: The fawn response involves people-pleasing as a way to diffuse conflict. It might look like quickly agreeing with the other person, apologizing excessively, or going out of your way to make the other person happy. While this response can seem like it keeps the peace, it often leads to resentment and a loss of your own voice in the relationship.

Healing from Trauma Responses

If you recognize yourself in any of these responses, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. These are common reactions, especially for those of us with a history of trauma. However, these responses can also get in the way of building healthy, meaningful relationships. Here are some steps to help you cope with conflict in a healthier way:

1. Self-Awareness: The first step in healing is to become aware of your conflict style. Pay attention to how you typically respond to conflict. Do you tend to avoid it (flight)? Do you get defensive (fight)? Do you shut down (freeze)? Or do you try to please everyone (fawn)? Understanding your patterns is key to changing them.
2. Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential during conflict. This might mean calmly stating your needs, setting limits on what behaviors you will accept, or taking a break if the situation becomes too heated. Remember, boundaries are not about controlling the other person—they’re about protecting your own well-being.
3. Take a Break: Sometimes, a break is necessary. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed or notice that the conversation is spiraling, it’s okay to take a step back. Politely let the other person know that you need some time to cool off and collect your thoughts. Make sure to revisit the conversation when you’re both calmer.
4. Use “I” Statements: During conflict, it’s easy to slip into blaming or accusing language, which can escalate the situation. Instead, try to use “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when…” or “I need some space to think.” This approach helps you express your feelings without putting the other person on the defensive.
5. Seek to Understand: When in conflict, it’s important to try to understand the other person’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it can help you see where they’re coming from and reduce the intensity of the conflict. Active listening and asking clarifying questions can be valuable tools in this process.
6. Conflict Isn’t the Enemy: It’s crucial to remember that conflict itself is not the enemy. It’s a normal part of life and relationships. What matters is how we handle it. Healthy conflict can lead to deeper understanding, stronger connections, and personal growth.

Navigating Conflict with Compassion

As you work to develop healthier conflict resolution skills, it’s important to be patient with yourself. Healing from trauma responses is not a quick or linear process. You might find yourself slipping back into old patterns from time to time, and that’s okay. The goal is not perfection but progress.

Conflict, when handled well, doesn’t have to threaten your safety or your relationships. It’s an opportunity to learn more about yourself and the people around you. By approaching conflict with compassion—for yourself and others—you can begin to break free from old patterns and create a more peaceful, fulfilling life.

As you navigate these changes, don’t forget the importance of community. Having trusted people who can support you, hold you accountable, and help you process difficult emotions is invaluable. You don’t have to go through this alone—reach out to those who can walk alongside you on this journey toward healthier, more authentic relationships.

In the end, embracing conflict as a natural part of life, rather than something to fear, will allow you to live more fully and authentically, grounded in the knowledge that your worth isn’t determined by the outcome of any disagreement.