Radiant Redemption

Let me be honest: my knee-jerk response to conflict is a wild two-step between freezing and fawning. I feel the tension rise, and suddenly, I’m doing everything in my power to keep the peace—even if that means abandoning my own needs, ignoring what just happened, or hoping the issue disappears into thin air. If you’ve ever found yourself apologizing for something that wasn’t actually your fault or agreeing just to avoid an argument, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Conflict used to terrify me. And honestly, sometimes it still does.

For many of us in recovery, our conflict style is shaped by trauma. If you grew up in a home where speaking up led to chaos, rejection, or punishment, your nervous system likely learned that keeping quiet and keeping the peace was the safest route. But here’s the thing: avoiding conflict doesn’t actually resolve it. It just buries it deeper and grows resentment in its place.

Let’s talk about the four primary trauma-based conflict responses:

1. Fight – You get angry, raise your voice, and go into battle-mode.
2. Flight – You mentally or physically check out; you leave the room, shut down, or ghost.
3. Freeze – You go numb, unsure of what to say or do. You’re stuck in panic mode.
4. Fawn – You try to smooth it over, take responsibility for everything, and make everyone else okay (while abandoning yourself).

I have spent most of my life ping-ponging between freeze and fawn. I shut down, hoping it’ll go away, and if it doesn’t, I become the most agreeable human alive. Conflict? What conflict? I’m fine! Are you fine? Great! Let’s never talk about it again.

The problem is, unresolved conflict doesn’t go away. It goes underground. And it festers.

Recovery has taught me that learning to handle conflict in a healthy way is vital for emotional sobriety. It’s not about becoming perfect at confrontation. It’s about staying present, grounded, and aligned with your values when tension arises. It’s about being able to say, “This hurt me,” or “I don’t agree,” without spiraling into shame or fear.

Here are a few truths I’m learning (the hard way):

• Boundaries are not punishments; they are protection.
• Conflict isn’t a sign something is wrong—it’s a chance to repair and grow.
• You can love people and still tell them the truth.
• Avoiding conflict costs more than having a hard conversation.

So how do we start shifting out of trauma responses and into healthy conflict engagement?

Here are a few tools to help:

1. Pause before reacting – Take a breath. Step away if needed. Give your body time to regulate.
2. Name your pattern – Are you freezing? Fawning? Calling it out helps you shift.
3. Ask: what am I afraid of? – Get honest with yourself about what you fear losing (connection, approval, safety).
4. Use “I” statements – Speak from your experience. Not “you always” but “I feel…”
5. Practice repair – After the tension, return with a willingness to reconnect.

I won’t pretend this is easy. Learning to deal with conflict has been one of the hardest parts of my recovery. But it’s also been one of the most empowering.

Because I’m learning that I can stay. I don’t have to abandon myself or others. I can ride the wave of discomfort and come out the other side stronger, more grounded, and more connected.

You are worthy of peace, not just the absence of conflict, but the kind that comes from staying present, standing firm in your truth, and allowing yourself to be seen.